Shame On You, Mickey Mouse
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Behind all the fairytales, lost slippers and handsome Princes, the ‘magical’ world of Disney has given me a couple of life lessons since my Pre-K days. Most of them were lessons on what NOT to do, so here is my gathered knowledge that Mickey and the gang has taught me over the years.
Lessons On What Not To Do:
1. You can’t jump off a cliff, float in the air for a few seconds and only start to fall if you look down. Trust me, I’ve tried this (just not off a cliff) and looking down was the least of my problems.
2. Eating tons of spinach doesn’t make you stronger. Tried that too.
3. Cram the night before a big exam and hope your fairy godmother will poof in front of you, wave her wand, kill your teacher and extend the exam date. I haven’t tried that, but I have a 96.73% feeling it doesn’t work that way.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances kiss a frog – unless you want to get warts (though I’m not sure if that rumour is true either).
What Disney Has Taught Me:
1. Step mothers aren’t always the bad guys, and most of the time they’re closer to our age – if you have that kind of a dad that likes to marry desperate twenty-somethings – and truth be told, sometimes our biological mothers are the real witches.
2. If you want to poison someone with an apple, you can’t use a potion. Anti-freeze is the quickest method (learnt that from Desperate Housewives and Chemistry), unless you have Rattex or Sulphuric Acid on hand.
3. You can’t sit around waiting for your Prince to come and rescue you, ladies. If you haven’t already noticed, our lucky Disney Princesses only scored the best guy by putting themselves out there: Cinderella had to fight to go to the ball; Ariel disobeyed her father; shy Snow White spoke to the Prince; Sleeping Beauty danced with him in the forest; and Belle learnt that if you want to find love, stop judging on appearances – the right kind of guy isn’t always the best looking one.
4. You can always finish the most dreadful housework by singing a song (and enlisting the help of domestic animals if you can).
5. Parents don’t always know what’s best for their children.
6. Your nose won’t grow if you tell a lie – and lying sure helps you get out of trouble.
7. Picking your nose won’t make plants or diamonds grow either, because if you tell a lie and your nose grows, then all the diamonds would fall out and you wouldn’t be poor, now would you? If you’re still poor then obviously my hypothesis is true…
8. There is no blue fairy. There is a tooth fairy, and apparently it’s Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
9. There is no Hannah Montana – the only famous white person that wears a blonde wig is Donald Trump, and as far as I can tell he can’t belt out Best of Both Worlds.
10. Snow White was kind of a slut – she lived with seven guys. If you lose a glass slipper, some really busy, hot Prince somewhere out there will take time out of his hectic life to find who the owner is. NOT. You can’t name your cat Lucifer (the name of the devil) and expect him to be on his best behaviour.
11. Have you noticed how none of the Princes had mothers? There were no mother-in-laws in any of the Disney Classics, and so they all lived happily ever after…
12. The cheerleaders in High School Musical looked 24 years old – but they were actually 14. Yeah right. Zac Efron was the real voice singing in the first HSM movie. Yeah right, again.
13. It’s okay to marry a dirty, homeless boy who lied about being a Prince, if your daddy is the Sultan and that guy owns a magic lamp. It’s even better to steal from the rich and give back to the poor.
14. If you live in the Jungle it’s acceptable to walk around half-naked.
15. Cinderella lied and snuck out to a party late at night, and ended up living in a palace. Why were people allowed to walk around with swords back then, when I can’t even walk into the airport with nailclippers?
16. And am I the only one who noticed the caterpillar from Alice In Wonderland smoked something really dodgy from a hookah pipe? Heck, Cruella De Vil was even a chain smoker, I’m just saying…
So you see, Walt Disney paved a good and healthy foundation for me as a kid.
Heck no! If anything, the only important lesson we can learn from Disney is that if you’re someone’s stepmother and you try to take revenge on the most beautiful girl in town – you will go down.
Unless you’re Captain Jack Sparrow.
Lessons On What Not To Do:
1. You can’t jump off a cliff, float in the air for a few seconds and only start to fall if you look down. Trust me, I’ve tried this (just not off a cliff) and looking down was the least of my problems.
2. Eating tons of spinach doesn’t make you stronger. Tried that too.
3. Cram the night before a big exam and hope your fairy godmother will poof in front of you, wave her wand, kill your teacher and extend the exam date. I haven’t tried that, but I have a 96.73% feeling it doesn’t work that way.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances kiss a frog – unless you want to get warts (though I’m not sure if that rumour is true either).
What Disney Has Taught Me:
1. Step mothers aren’t always the bad guys, and most of the time they’re closer to our age – if you have that kind of a dad that likes to marry desperate twenty-somethings – and truth be told, sometimes our biological mothers are the real witches.
2. If you want to poison someone with an apple, you can’t use a potion. Anti-freeze is the quickest method (learnt that from Desperate Housewives and Chemistry), unless you have Rattex or Sulphuric Acid on hand.
3. You can’t sit around waiting for your Prince to come and rescue you, ladies. If you haven’t already noticed, our lucky Disney Princesses only scored the best guy by putting themselves out there: Cinderella had to fight to go to the ball; Ariel disobeyed her father; shy Snow White spoke to the Prince; Sleeping Beauty danced with him in the forest; and Belle learnt that if you want to find love, stop judging on appearances – the right kind of guy isn’t always the best looking one.
4. You can always finish the most dreadful housework by singing a song (and enlisting the help of domestic animals if you can).
5. Parents don’t always know what’s best for their children.
6. Your nose won’t grow if you tell a lie – and lying sure helps you get out of trouble.
7. Picking your nose won’t make plants or diamonds grow either, because if you tell a lie and your nose grows, then all the diamonds would fall out and you wouldn’t be poor, now would you? If you’re still poor then obviously my hypothesis is true…
8. There is no blue fairy. There is a tooth fairy, and apparently it’s Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
9. There is no Hannah Montana – the only famous white person that wears a blonde wig is Donald Trump, and as far as I can tell he can’t belt out Best of Both Worlds.
10. Snow White was kind of a slut – she lived with seven guys. If you lose a glass slipper, some really busy, hot Prince somewhere out there will take time out of his hectic life to find who the owner is. NOT. You can’t name your cat Lucifer (the name of the devil) and expect him to be on his best behaviour.
11. Have you noticed how none of the Princes had mothers? There were no mother-in-laws in any of the Disney Classics, and so they all lived happily ever after…
12. The cheerleaders in High School Musical looked 24 years old – but they were actually 14. Yeah right. Zac Efron was the real voice singing in the first HSM movie. Yeah right, again.
13. It’s okay to marry a dirty, homeless boy who lied about being a Prince, if your daddy is the Sultan and that guy owns a magic lamp. It’s even better to steal from the rich and give back to the poor.
14. If you live in the Jungle it’s acceptable to walk around half-naked.
15. Cinderella lied and snuck out to a party late at night, and ended up living in a palace. Why were people allowed to walk around with swords back then, when I can’t even walk into the airport with nailclippers?
16. And am I the only one who noticed the caterpillar from Alice In Wonderland smoked something really dodgy from a hookah pipe? Heck, Cruella De Vil was even a chain smoker, I’m just saying…
So you see, Walt Disney paved a good and healthy foundation for me as a kid.
Heck no! If anything, the only important lesson we can learn from Disney is that if you’re someone’s stepmother and you try to take revenge on the most beautiful girl in town – you will go down.
Unless you’re Captain Jack Sparrow.