Damsels Causing Distress
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If any of you watched the movie Chicago (starring Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones), you too would have been amazed by the storyline: Women who kill their husbands for cheating on them end up in jail, and then use their scandal to become famous and win over the jury’s pity. As my favourite song from the movie goes, “He had it coming…”
It’s a well-known fact among celebrities that a well connived publicity stunt (aka scandal) can develop into a successful career. And let me tell you, scandals among women to get what they want have been going down since the time of planet formation – which is probably a Layman’s explanation for how Venus managed to get a great spot near the Sun.
My best friend asked me to write this piece (I told you guys all suggestions are welcome!), and my male cousin kind of guilt-tripped me into covering it because (yeah, I will admit) I’ve been picking on men in most of my articles, and now it’s time to admit that us ladies do have a few skeletons in the closet – the least of which include wealthy, deceased older husbands. So let’s get down to business:
Cleopatra – if you haven’t heard of her, your name must be I R Stupid. She is one of the simplest cases of scandal, known for convincing her cohorts that she was the reincarnation of a god; hooked up with Julius Caesar’s opposition Marc Antony and seduced & sabotaged an immense number of men, all before the push-up bra was invented. She is legend dudes.
“Your love is just so dangerous it should be a crime…” Known for being a sassy and tough bank robber, getting away with the most heinous crimes and having countless foreign movies made about her life, Bonnie Parker was one heck of a thief – achieving a name for herself and her lover, Clyde, all before the age of 21. Managing to kill 2 civilians and 9 policemen in their rampages, Bonnie showed that behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and pulling a trigger.
You have to give props to the lady who taught America 3 things: Never let your man have a female secretary; the word “Sexual Intercourse” is very vulgar; and avoid choosing her name for your baby daughter. Monica Lewinski – not just a Simpsons character, but also the woman who gave a whole new meaning to ‘The Other Woman…’ Yes, I’m talking about Bill Clinton’s mistress who sent Hilary Clinton to the store for countless bottles of Lady Vita Hormonal Tablets (in my mind, that is), and caused Hilary to completely lose it and accuse the scandal of being a Fascist conspiracy theory. Talk about crazy. As if that wasn’t enough, Bill Clinton (having being charged for oral sex) denied the allegations and said it all wasn’t sex, resulting in countless teenagers referring to oral sex as not sex. Way to go Monica, you just made blowjobs an easier gesture for second base. Not.
‘Thank you for playing, Britney Spears. But you don’t leave empty handed. Just for being a participant, you’re walking away with a Russell Hobbs electric hair shaver, ripped miniskirt and ten kids. Congratulations! And the next contestant on “Who Wants To Ruin Their Reputation” is, Lindsay Lohan.’ Need I say more?
Lastly, let’s not forget our Desperate Palace-wives, aka Scandalous Royals. This one’s for you, bestie’.
Camilla Parker, now known as the Duchess of Cornwall, had an affair with Princess Diana’s husband (at the time), Prince Charles. Camilla’s own great-grandmother was the mistress of King Edward the 6th, so you see? Some things are genetic – psychotic, neurotic, fanatic… I guess will power and self-control weren’t in their XX chromosomes either…
Ladies, all I’m saying is that you give the rest of us a bad name. At least most scandalous men commit fraud, corruption and start wars…You see, men have variation when they cause crap. Why do all these women cheat, cheat and only cheat? Get a hobby jeez!
What about the lovely Princess Diana Frances Spencer? Even before she was born things weren’t right. Her parents (John and Frances) were expecting a boy, and were allegedly disappointed when a girl was born, as the maiden name of Spencer would now be lost. She was nameless for a week! The entire Spencer family was upset at the number of girls being born.
John Spencer: “It, come here It!”
Frances Spencer: “Honey, don’t call her by that. The poor thing! Imagine, the mere thought of what to name our dear daughter is giving you a meeegrain! Maybe you should have a cuppa’ tea, and I’ll go change our little gift’s diaper.”
John: “Gifts are meant to be given away…”
Frances: “Maybe we should give her a name with a magnificent meaning.”
John: “You’re right! That’s how we named our other 3 children: Sarah means ‘Princess’; Jane means ‘Gracious’; and Charles is ‘Finally! Something with a penis!’ Hmm… I think we should name her Diana!”
Frances: “Jolly good sweetheart. What does it mean?”
John: “Who the hell is this?!”
Diana’s mother, Viscountess (which is another name for a failed royal if you ask me) Frances Spencer had an affair when Princess D was 7. See? Ladies, if you’re going to be scandalous, think of something besides banging another guy. It’s getting pretty monotonous. Diana wasn’t all that great at academic work, but was an excellent pianist, swimmer and ballet dancer. Unfortunately, she became too tall for the sport. It’s because she’s black, isn’t it?!
When she became pregnant with Harry, she hid the sex from everyone. Clearly someone’s still upset that the Spencers liked her brother Charles more than her… Over the years she and her husband engaged in numerous affairs and shocking scandals.
Prince Andrew’s ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, was once photographed topless with a millionaire sucking her toes. She also tried to sell out her husband to a businessman, who was actually a reporter in disguise. Smooth move dummy…
Last but not least, the queen (ignore the pun) of all Royal scandals: Marie Antoinette, who was also known as a spendthrift. I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but look into the real story behind ‘The Diamond Necklace Affair’ and her presumed love scandals. Also, Marie’s husband wasn’t amused by her in the bedroom, and France was under the impression that if he couldn’t perform in the bedroom and produce an heir to the throne, he couldn’t perform as a king either. You think Michael Jackson was a big spender? Do you often think that politicians are stealing the country’s budget for their own use? Well, Marie Antoinette wasted away her time by spending all of her money on clothes, jewellery and her own signature perfume that was so pungent, it gave her away when she tried to escape being killed. I didn’t know they used bug spray so long ago…
All the abovementioned affairs have proven two things (I jacked these quotes, and by admitting so I don’t look at it as plagiarism):
“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men;” and “The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart…”
True that. And from now on girls, if you want to try a publicity stunt, don’t bother cheating overtly on your boyfriends. At least men who steal from the state run away with lots of bags of money… What do you runaway with?
That’s right; an unwanted pregnancy and a toe-sucking millionaire.
I rest my case.