A Lie Is An Honest Mistake
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Whoever said that lying was the best policy never had their heart broken, made a child cry by telling them their parents were the Tooth Fairy and Santa, and never had their wife force them to sleep on the couch after calling her “broad.”
Lies are like metamorphosis: An ugly truth develops into a beautiful lie, and so we convince ourselves that every caterpillar will become a butterfly. But haven’t you ever wondered how lying was invented? Maybe some hungry Homo Sapien lied to his clan (through grunts and rock paintings, since talking wasn’t invented then either) about not having eaten the last Woolly Mammoth kebab, and that is was maybe a Sabre-toothed Tiger the size of a T-Rex that ate it.
Maybe lying was invented by a devious woman, because according to the band, Panic At The Disco, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.” And it’s true. It’s fun to lie when you’re only messing around – and by messing around I do not mean phoning a primary school and pretending you planted a bomb in the principal’s toothpaste cabinet. But then another lie surfaces when the teaching staff evacuate the school on account of ‘danger to the children’, and not because they wanted the day off or anything. Yeah right – but when does lying become a real problem? To some people truth is not only stranger than fiction but it’s a total stranger…
To tell you the truth, I mostly lie because I’m planning to surprise a person or I just want to protect their feelings. I know it’s hard to believe that, given the way I criticise society, but when it comes down to people I have a different motto: I refuse to be frank, because if you can’t say anything good about someone then don’t say anything. Sure, I’m a teenage girl and I do have my bitchy comments, but believe it or not (deep inside) I really meant it as a joke, because (deep inside) I don’t care if that girl is dressed like a prostitute or if this lecturer sounds like he’s got a pair of tweezers shoved up his nose. In truth, I must be the biggest liar ever, but now I’m coming clean: If I say something horrible, I’m actually lying about meaning it – I’m probably joking or just in a bad mood. Okay, I know I sound like a nun (What kind of girl doesn’t think bad things about other people and is joking 95% of the time? She must be so easy to guilt trip, etc…) but I’m dead serious. I’d rather sacrifice my freedom of speech for the sake of someone else’s piece of mind.
Okay, after that little confession I’m going to have to stop lying about meaning bad things, now that you know I was lying about telling the truth when I say something mean. Phew! This honesty thing is harder that I thought. Many of you probably dislike me now, because you thought I was an over-critical, hyperphrensive beyotch/wannabe-philosopher, when in fact I just happen to have a lot of opinions. Sorry to disappoint you cookies.
But when it comes down to opinions, when is honesty justified, and when is it just considered being rude? We lie to ourselves all the time. Heck, we even have a list of things to lie to ourselves about all year round – it’s called a New Year’s Resolution.
1. Stop eating all those Twinkies.
2. Start listening to Dolphin noises to induce inner sense of peace.
3. Delete ex off Facebook in order to get over him…
Oh honey, don’t lie to yourself; one less sugar-filled Twinkie isn’t going to make you any less of an olive. He won’t ever come back to you because of one less Twinkie. And listening to Dolphins mating won’t make the craving for Twinkies disappear.
*(Due to a typing error I also discovered that Microsoft Word has McDonald’s and Twinkies in the US dictionary. Pfft! Olive Americans…)
I know, I know, from now on I’m just the lying nun that pretends to be mean when in fact it’s all jokes. So what would I know about Twinkie diets? To tell you the truth (haha, see I’ve stopped lying) honesty is overrated. Sometimes I like living in a world of oblivion because it helps me sleep better at night. I’d rather lie to myself about the high crime rate, pretend that hot Ricky Martin isn’t gay and that Selena Gomez really didn’t play tonsil hockey with Justin Beaver.
I think that gossip is just an exaggerated lie, yet we believe it?
Lying is the best policy when it helps you pass a lie detector test, but honesty is an even better solution when you need to tell your crush how you really feel about him shagging your cousin. I think we should define a middle ground between fact and falsehood. As Ashley Tisdale’s lyrics go, “The truth makes me want you to tell me lies.”
Here are my opinions on what to do:
Lie when:
- Anyone asks you how their cooking tasted. Don’t over-flatter them (because Lord help you then they’ll cook it again!), but give them a tiny hint.
“Add a pinch of pepper next time, dad” or “It’s great Jim! But next time you make pizza, try putting cheese on the top!”
- A person twice your size asks if you drank the last Heineken. Try not to burp when this happens.
- Your grandmother wants to know how school is going. Trust me, there is a 97% chance (and I’m underestimating here) that she will have a heart attack if she discovers you failed Maths and you’re ‘with child.’ Because when you’re 72, the only bun in the oven you want to hear about is one made of flour.
- Justin Bieber sings you a song and wants to know if it’s a hit. “Oh! That girly whining you were doing was singing? Oh dear… Yeah Justin, I think I heard Usher screaming OMG. Yeah, because he liked it. Let’s go with that…”
- Your parents want to know if you did your homework, went out drinking (“No mom, my breath always smells like Tequila. It must be the 0.00003% alcohol in the Colgate Bright Smile.”), and if they need to go for your Parent-Teacher Conference.
Tell the truth when:
- Someone wants to know if they put too much perfume/cologne on. “Just a tad too much, Jill. But the good news is that I can finally breathe again, so I think you’re good!”
- Someone tells you they’re in love with you and you don’t feel the same. It’s not right to lead them on out of pity.
- A friend asks you why you look so sad. They can probably help in some way; otherwise they’re not a friend.
- A potential love partner wants to know your relationship status, sexual status, HIV status, mental status and if-you-have-a-psycho-family-status.
- Lastly, tell the truth when someone asks you anything, but only if being frank won’t offend or hurt them. Otherwise, break it to them gently. “You know, Dave, the new Shield For Men apparently lasts for 48 hours. I heard the Body & Bath shop is having a 75% sale this weekend…”
But when it comes to us girls – boys you’re on your own. I really can’t give you tips on when to tell the truth to a girl, because we girls hardly know how to react to the truth.
All I can say is that from now on I’m going to try and be much nicer when it comes to telling the truth, and not mock ‘the ugly truth.’ And the best part is if you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember what you said!
When it comes to honesty and gossiping, remember this: One only shows a fine command of language by saying nothing, because great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss social events and small minds discuss people.
But then again, we’re all living Pinocchios…
Lies are like metamorphosis: An ugly truth develops into a beautiful lie, and so we convince ourselves that every caterpillar will become a butterfly. But haven’t you ever wondered how lying was invented? Maybe some hungry Homo Sapien lied to his clan (through grunts and rock paintings, since talking wasn’t invented then either) about not having eaten the last Woolly Mammoth kebab, and that is was maybe a Sabre-toothed Tiger the size of a T-Rex that ate it.
Maybe lying was invented by a devious woman, because according to the band, Panic At The Disco, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.” And it’s true. It’s fun to lie when you’re only messing around – and by messing around I do not mean phoning a primary school and pretending you planted a bomb in the principal’s toothpaste cabinet. But then another lie surfaces when the teaching staff evacuate the school on account of ‘danger to the children’, and not because they wanted the day off or anything. Yeah right – but when does lying become a real problem? To some people truth is not only stranger than fiction but it’s a total stranger…
To tell you the truth, I mostly lie because I’m planning to surprise a person or I just want to protect their feelings. I know it’s hard to believe that, given the way I criticise society, but when it comes down to people I have a different motto: I refuse to be frank, because if you can’t say anything good about someone then don’t say anything. Sure, I’m a teenage girl and I do have my bitchy comments, but believe it or not (deep inside) I really meant it as a joke, because (deep inside) I don’t care if that girl is dressed like a prostitute or if this lecturer sounds like he’s got a pair of tweezers shoved up his nose. In truth, I must be the biggest liar ever, but now I’m coming clean: If I say something horrible, I’m actually lying about meaning it – I’m probably joking or just in a bad mood. Okay, I know I sound like a nun (What kind of girl doesn’t think bad things about other people and is joking 95% of the time? She must be so easy to guilt trip, etc…) but I’m dead serious. I’d rather sacrifice my freedom of speech for the sake of someone else’s piece of mind.
Okay, after that little confession I’m going to have to stop lying about meaning bad things, now that you know I was lying about telling the truth when I say something mean. Phew! This honesty thing is harder that I thought. Many of you probably dislike me now, because you thought I was an over-critical, hyperphrensive beyotch/wannabe-philosopher, when in fact I just happen to have a lot of opinions. Sorry to disappoint you cookies.
But when it comes down to opinions, when is honesty justified, and when is it just considered being rude? We lie to ourselves all the time. Heck, we even have a list of things to lie to ourselves about all year round – it’s called a New Year’s Resolution.
1. Stop eating all those Twinkies.
2. Start listening to Dolphin noises to induce inner sense of peace.
3. Delete ex off Facebook in order to get over him…
Oh honey, don’t lie to yourself; one less sugar-filled Twinkie isn’t going to make you any less of an olive. He won’t ever come back to you because of one less Twinkie. And listening to Dolphins mating won’t make the craving for Twinkies disappear.
*(Due to a typing error I also discovered that Microsoft Word has McDonald’s and Twinkies in the US dictionary. Pfft! Olive Americans…)
I know, I know, from now on I’m just the lying nun that pretends to be mean when in fact it’s all jokes. So what would I know about Twinkie diets? To tell you the truth (haha, see I’ve stopped lying) honesty is overrated. Sometimes I like living in a world of oblivion because it helps me sleep better at night. I’d rather lie to myself about the high crime rate, pretend that hot Ricky Martin isn’t gay and that Selena Gomez really didn’t play tonsil hockey with Justin Beaver.
I think that gossip is just an exaggerated lie, yet we believe it?
Lying is the best policy when it helps you pass a lie detector test, but honesty is an even better solution when you need to tell your crush how you really feel about him shagging your cousin. I think we should define a middle ground between fact and falsehood. As Ashley Tisdale’s lyrics go, “The truth makes me want you to tell me lies.”
Here are my opinions on what to do:
Lie when:
- Anyone asks you how their cooking tasted. Don’t over-flatter them (because Lord help you then they’ll cook it again!), but give them a tiny hint.
“Add a pinch of pepper next time, dad” or “It’s great Jim! But next time you make pizza, try putting cheese on the top!”
- A person twice your size asks if you drank the last Heineken. Try not to burp when this happens.
- Your grandmother wants to know how school is going. Trust me, there is a 97% chance (and I’m underestimating here) that she will have a heart attack if she discovers you failed Maths and you’re ‘with child.’ Because when you’re 72, the only bun in the oven you want to hear about is one made of flour.
- Justin Bieber sings you a song and wants to know if it’s a hit. “Oh! That girly whining you were doing was singing? Oh dear… Yeah Justin, I think I heard Usher screaming OMG. Yeah, because he liked it. Let’s go with that…”
- Your parents want to know if you did your homework, went out drinking (“No mom, my breath always smells like Tequila. It must be the 0.00003% alcohol in the Colgate Bright Smile.”), and if they need to go for your Parent-Teacher Conference.
Tell the truth when:
- Someone wants to know if they put too much perfume/cologne on. “Just a tad too much, Jill. But the good news is that I can finally breathe again, so I think you’re good!”
- Someone tells you they’re in love with you and you don’t feel the same. It’s not right to lead them on out of pity.
- A friend asks you why you look so sad. They can probably help in some way; otherwise they’re not a friend.
- A potential love partner wants to know your relationship status, sexual status, HIV status, mental status and if-you-have-a-psycho-family-status.
- Lastly, tell the truth when someone asks you anything, but only if being frank won’t offend or hurt them. Otherwise, break it to them gently. “You know, Dave, the new Shield For Men apparently lasts for 48 hours. I heard the Body & Bath shop is having a 75% sale this weekend…”
But when it comes to us girls – boys you’re on your own. I really can’t give you tips on when to tell the truth to a girl, because we girls hardly know how to react to the truth.
All I can say is that from now on I’m going to try and be much nicer when it comes to telling the truth, and not mock ‘the ugly truth.’ And the best part is if you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember what you said!
When it comes to honesty and gossiping, remember this: One only shows a fine command of language by saying nothing, because great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss social events and small minds discuss people.
But then again, we’re all living Pinocchios…